he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
