Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
