Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
