Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
