I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
