you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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