you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
