Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
