can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Randomize
