You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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