apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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