I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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