she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
