Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
