not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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