I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
