The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
