I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
There r osticjed everywhere
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
