My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Randomize
