I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
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