Don't make out with my wife yet
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize