Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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