Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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