He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
not ubering you a puppy
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
