if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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