Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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