i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
