got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
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His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
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I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
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