I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You may now shotgun with the bride
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
