You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
it's like heaven, but drunker
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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