consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
