Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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