my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
