her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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