Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
