wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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