Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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