I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Randomize
