After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
So here I am, sexting at work.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
