im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
