It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
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The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
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I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
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