she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
