so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
