I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
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If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
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I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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