So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
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You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Semen is not good for contacts.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
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Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.