She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
These Are 19 of the Most Horrible Strangers People Had to Sit Next to
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.