i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
