I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
