The beer is more important than you right now.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
