I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
