I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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