I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
she woke up with a sticky ear
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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