hotel room ftw
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
