I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
