My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
