Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
