Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
have fun at tinkers! p.s. are there any hot guys who look like they wanna wait until marriage to have sex?
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
