and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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