i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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