People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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