My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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