So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I smell like Dick and happiness
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
