I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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